Finding Hope When You Want To Give Up

I’m in a flare and feeling sorry for myself. All my fibro friends can relate to this type of night. I’m one of those people that gets too lost in my own thoughts. That is where I am tonight. I try not to think about the future or make decisions when I’m in this kind of pain. Sometimes, it can’t be helped because at this point, I would like to be in the future without pain. I must think about not giving up, or I might just do -just that. This is my story of finding hope when you want to give up. It is possible!

My Long History With Pain

Maybe what I should do in these moments is look back, not forward. What I mean by that is all I have been through and all the times I have not given up when I so badly wanted to. I will never forget being about 15 years old, sitting in my bedroom and thinking how much better it would be if I were dead. I guess I’ve been in pain a lot longer than just my adult life with fibromyalgia. I’ve talked before about the negative things my depression tells me, and I believe it! So, I sit here now and remember how strong I was at 15 to keep going.

I haven’t always kept going, in fact I feel like I’ve given up a lot over my life. I walked away from school in my early twenties because I thought I wasn’t smart enough. School was always hard for me. I felt like I had to try really hard and I didn’t always understand easily. Not to mention the fact I was too shy to ask questions. Look at me now, an A student two months away from graduating from college. It has taken me seven years, part-time to get this degree and I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to quit.

College and Pain

The pain and exhaustion I went through each semester would always get to me and I would consider just quitting. Then I would get through it and know that I could do it again. Over the years I found ways to get through school better. When I had to take classes on campus, I would take a nap in between work and class. I learned to look ahead at assignments so I could plan a more efficient strategy. I go into a lot more detail on how to stay organized while going to school in my article College Student With Fibromyalgia?

My Struggle With Fibromyalgia

Two years ago, I became so ill that I had to take a leave of absence from work and school. Everything stopped! At the same time, my doctor put me on Cymbalta and Lyrica. I kept getting worse and worse. At first my doctor believed me, but it seemed the longer I kept feeling sick and the worse my symptoms were the less she believed me. I’m not sure if it was that she didn’t believe me or that she just didn’t know what to do for me. I will say though that my lab results proved that there really were some real problems going on and it wasn’t “all in my head.”

Read more about physicians in: Finding Dr. Right and An Open Letter To My Ex-Doctors

Here is a list of what I was going through at the time:

• Lack of sleep or good sleep
• Restless Leg Syndrome (probably from the anemia or Cymbalta)
• Severe Anemia – I actually needed an iron infusion
• Widespread rashes
• Leg cramps – so severe that I passed out for the 1^st time ever.
• Horrible periods and cramps (endometriosis, ovarian cysts and fibroids)
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Severe depression and anxiety
• Widespread pain – everywhere
• Extreme exhaustion
• I couldn’t think straight

I’m sure there was more but these were the main issues at the time. This sounds daunting and overwhelming, but the good news is that I don’t have a lot of these problems today. I didn’t find any special cure I just addressed each problem one at a time. Oddly enough once I weaned from the Cymbalta and Lyrica, I started feeling a lot better.

I say not to give up because it is possible to feel better when you have fibromyalgia. It is possible to have good days and bad days as well. For me, the bottom line has always been when I take care of myself and mind my stress level, I feel better than when I don’t do that. Finding hope when you want to give up is not easy, but I really hope that sharing my journey helps you see that you can do it!

Journey To Wellness

I often don’t feel like I should be giving others advice. Honestly, I’m still figuring so much out about myself. Dare I say, I’m winging it friends. It’s still hard to put my health first when I’m working full-time, school part-time and always a mom. Sometimes, I tend to put friendships on the back burner simply because I don’t have the energy to give to keep the friendships alive. That is why I am always so thankful to have friends that stick around no matter what.

I still want to be an advocate for those with fibromyalgia. I desperately want to be part of the solution to a life without fibromyalgia for millions of people. It is knowing those people are out there that is something else that keeps me going. I don’t set out to be an inspiration to others, but I sure hope that my story of NOT GIVING UP does inspire others to do the same. My sons have introduced me to anime, and I have really found inspiration in the themes found in these shows. Mostly, it centers around a person that doesn’t have the same abilities as those around him/her and they have to work even harder to get to their goals. I find these shows help keep me in the right mindset to keep pushing, keep working hard no matter what!

Finding Support

If you are in need of support, please feel free to reach out to me. In addition, I have a Facebook support group called The Chronically Strong Warriors. I also want to remind you of the suicide hotline 800-273-8255 and text line 741741. If you feeling like you can’t keep going, it is ok to feel that way. BUT – you need to know that you are NOT alone and there is whole community of us standing with you and ready to help.