Ways To Help A Loved One With Depression

Depression isn’t a choice! If you have depression or know someone that has it, then you probably know this already. A major depressive episode is NOT just feeling sad sometimes, it is deeper than that. When you have depression, life can be a struggle. I want to tell you a little about myself and my struggle with depression, and then I want to give you ways to help a loved one with depression. First, we need to establish a definition of depression.

What is depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), a depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure must happen for at least two weeks. This along with “at least four other symptoms that reflect a change in functioning, such as problems with sleep, eating, energy, concentration, self-image or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.” NIMH estimates in 2016 that roughly 16 million United States adults have had at least one “major depressive episode”. That is too many people to still have a stigma in our society about mental illness!

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/major-depression.shtml

My depression

In Fibromyalgia and Mental Health ~ Part I, I talk about my long standing depression, so I won’t go into too much detail. Let me just say, I personally think I have been depressed since birth.  My mom may disagree, so I will say at the very least as a young child. Sure, some of the reason for this may be experiences but the other reason is just plain genetics.

I am going to get real honest and personal now. Lately, I have been not doing well emotionally. Life circumstance is definitely playing its part. However, when you are already depressed and life throws you curve balls, it can be difficult to manage. Think of it this way: 

Imagine a child out in left field holding out his glove to catch the incoming ball, if the child is even holding up the glove at all. The ball just hits the ground and rolls away. The child runs after it, but it’s too late. Of course, the child’s teammates start yelling and ridiculing the child for not trying harder. No one understands that just being there in that field with the glove was all the child was capable of doing that day.

This has been me, I show up, but I’m not capable of much more than that. At least that is how it feels.

Affects of my depression

I have many supportive people around me that love me. That being said, sometimes it is hard for them to understand what is going on with me. They want me to “just feel better” or “try harder to be positive”. Which, I get this mentality; being around someone that has a chronic pain condition and is also depressed can be exhausting in its self. My loved ones can only take so much of my tears and helplessness. Not because they don’t love me, because they do love me and they don’t know what to do.

Related posts on Fibromyalgia and Relationships:

https://fibromomblog.com/its-not-you-its-me-fibromyalgia-and-relationships/  https://fibromomblog.com/stronger-marriage-sickness-health/

Mental Health Support

I don’t know about your area of the world, but in my area, it is very difficult to get mental health support from a professional. I have insurance which covers this service; however I have yet to even find a therapist to call me back. So, lack of provider support is partly my fault and partly the systems fault. I try and try and then get discouraged and stop trying. Since my symptoms are so bad, I am back to trying. I really need someone to talk to that is unbiased and will give me back tools to use. So, if you are in an area like mine, then this post is for you!  I am doing some research on ways loved ones can help depressed love ones in a more effective way. We will tackle ways to help you (the depressed one) in another post.

What not to say to a love one with depression

Some words just come out of your mouth naturally.  We know you aren’t meaning them in a bad way, it is just what was natural to you. However, these words can make a person on the edge possibly tip over. This list may help and is here to serve as a guideline and education. Ways to help a loved one with depression:

1. Don’t tell your person to “snap out of it” or “man up”. This implies that the person has control over their depression, which isn’t the case.
2. Don’t ignore their request for help, even if you don’t know what to do. Just saying “I don’t know how to help you, but we can figure it out” is more helpful than nothing.
3. Don’t offer your person alcohol or drugs to “take their mind off it”. This can make the person’s problem worse.
4. Don’t judge the person. A depressed person is already telling themselves enough negative talk. Believe me.
5. Don’t suggest that the person is weak because this is happening to them. In fact, depressed people are often the strongest people.

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What to say to a loved one with depression

Now that we have covered things you should not say, here are some examples of what you could say.

1. First and foremost, sympathize with the person. This doesn’t mean give them pity. It means to be compassionate about the pain they are in- even if you don’t understand it.
2. Ask them open ended questions like, “What is going on?” and “How can I help?”.
3. Instead of telling them to just be positive, remind them of all the positives they may not be able to come up with.  If they say, “I’m a horrible person!” then you remind them of something about them that makes them not horrible “No way, a horrible person wouldn’t have …..”.
4. You can try to make the person laugh using humor, but be careful not do this in a way that diminishes what the person is going through. 
5. Tell your loved one that you are here for them. Remember a depressed person is feeling alone even in a room full of people. Helping them feel like they have someone to support them, to be by their side no matter what, well that is priceless.

Lastly, watch for signs of suicidal thoughts. Please do not take this lightly. If you feel your loved one is at risk for suicide do not leave them alone. I know it seems drastic, but call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Line 1-800-273-TALK.

Warning signs that a depressed person is in danger:

• Talking about self-harm or wanting to die.
• Extreme self-destructive behavior
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Telling you their plan to end their own life

A few more things you might want to say:

• You are important to me. How you feel is important to me.
• How long have you been feeling this way?
• Tell me what it feels like for you.
• I may not fully understand what you’re going through, but I am here for you.
• Have you sought professional support? Can I help you with that?
• I know this is hard; if you feel like giving up, instead, hold on for another hour, another day. I will help you.

What we learned about supporting a depressed love one

We have covered a lot of information on how to help a loved one with depression. First, let’s remember how important it is to understand that depression is not something that can be just turned on and off. Next, we learned that there are things you should and should NOT say to a person experiencing depression. Lastly, we now know the most important thing you can do for your loved one, is be there for them.

Personally, I know I will be ok and these feelings will come and go. However, it is so hard to see that when the darkness takes hold. I recently spoke with someone that has a long standing relationship with depression. He called his depression and darkness “the beast”. He said that “the beast” is always lurking waiting to take control. Learning to control “the beast” is the secret to getting to the other side of the darkness. I hope this helps you, help someone else. Let me know in the comments!

Ideas on ways to help and symptoms were found on these websites: http://: https://depression.org.nz/help-someone https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-someone-with-depression.htm/

Related Articles: https://fibromomblog.com/searching-for-dr-right-fibromyalgia-and-physicians/  https://fibromomblog.com/the-spoonie-exercise-challenge/

If you are looking for support join my Facebook group The Chronically Strong Warriors

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