Mom Guilt (Dad Guilt), we all have had it at one time or another. I know this because we can’t all be perfect, so sometimes we are going to mess up or disappoint our kids. Even the healthiest of moms (dads) is going to have some mom (dad) guilt over her (his) inadequacies. However, having a chronic illness likeFibromyalgia and being a mom (dad) comes with its own set of “mom (dad) guilt feelings”. I am going to tell you what I feel guilty about and what I do to feel better.
First, a little about me as a person and a mom:
If you haven’t read my About Me page yet, you can click link, but let me tell you a little about me. I have three children age 22, 17 and 9. I have been a mom since I was 21 years old (so pretty much my whole adult life). This is important to know because I feel I was a horrible mother at first. Like all of us, I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I was ready for my daughter, but I don’t think I was. To make matters worse, I was struggling on and off with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2014 and that is when motherhood got a little more complicated for me.
If you are interested in some ideas on parenting you can find them here.
“I’m not a good enough Mom (Dad)”!
I often feel like I’m not good enough. This might be different for everyone, but I have a feeling many will relate to my list.
- Not being able to do activities that my child wants me to do. This is a hard one to deal with emotionally because mentally I know I want to be active with my son. There have been times when he wants to go somewhere and I just cannot do it or he wants to play a game that I’m too exhausted to play. These are the times I feel like “not enough”.
- Not spending enough one on one time with my kids. This guilt feeling is not only due to my Fibromyalgia, but the fact that I have been working full time and attending school part time for the last six years. If I wasn’t at work, I was at school or at the table doing homework. This has been hard on everyone in the family and a huge weight I bear. In fact, this one alone could be its own blog post (maybe later).
- Not serving healthy meals. There have been so many nights where I am just too tired to cook or even eat anything for myself. So, I will make something quick like Top Ramen noodles or a hot dog. This makes me feel guilty because there are no vegetables and it isn’t the healthiest. I made a mistake when raising my kids (I can admit it). I allowed them to be picky and never forced them to eat what they didn’t want to. So now my 9 year old pretty much hates all food that is good for him.
- I worry that genetically I will give my kids Fibromyalgia. I’ve already handed down my mental health issues and those are bad enough. There is an enormous amount of guilt that comes from watching your child suffer, whether it was knowingly your fault or not.
How to combat the Mom (Dad) Guilt
Now, you know why and how I feel guilty as a mom, let me tell you how to get over it or at least not let it eat you alive. This part is important because whether you are sick or not, you are going to make mistakes as a parent. The only thing you can do is own it, pick yourself up and learn from it.
- Recognize what you are or are not doing that is causing you guilt. For me, an example of this would be not being able to do the things I want to do with my son.
- Ask yourself why it makes you feel guilty. I know I feel guilty because my son is disappointed and we are missing out on experiences.
- Ask yourself if there is anything you can do to fix it or make it better. I brainstorm ideas on things we can do instead or on a different (better health) day. If I can I bring this up to my son, only if my idea is something we can do right then. I have learned to not promise too much in the way of commitments. Really, if I can’t physically do something right now, why do I think I can do it later at an unknown date?
- If there is something you can do, then try to do it. If there isn’t (like genetics) then you have to let it go! I know easier said than done. One way I use to let go of things I cannot control is by meditating. While meditating I visualize what I need to let go of and when I breath out I let it go out with my breath.
- Forgive yourself. This is an important step in letting the guilt go. You are not going to be perfect, but guess what? Your kids are going to love you anyway. They may even begin to understand you as they get older.
Learning From Parenting
I have learned so much being a parent for 22 years. I have learned that although it is important to plan, one must be ready to improvise. Also, parenting is probably THE hardest job on the planet and it is one that you have to learn while on the job. The most important point to remember is to learn from your mistakes, grow from your mistakes and love yourself no matter what.
If you are a person with a chronic illness and you are a parent, you deserve more slack. Whether anyone else is going to give it to you is unknown, however you can give it to yourself. The challenges you face everyday just to get through your day are commendable. Add being a parent to that day and let’s face it- you are a Rock Star! There is no reason why you cannot still learn, grow and love – you just might take a little longer or go a different route than others.
If you found this article helpful, please comment below. If you know someone that needs to hear this message please share this article. Please subscribe below so you don’t miss the next segment in our “Parenting with a chronic illness series”. We will be talking about ways to entertain your child while in a flare.
Elizabeth
Hugs mama. I feel your pain. I struggle with all of this. But your tips are spot on. It’s just getting ourselves to believe them and follow them that is tough. But YOU ARE ENOUGH! There’s SO much our kids are learning from our illness and how we cope with it. I like to look at that as a positive.
Suzanne
Thank you so much Elizabeth. It gives me comfort to know I’m not alone, but sad at the same time that you can relate. I would never wish my pain on anyone else. You are so right about making ourselves believe what we tell others and ourself! I just keep telling it to myself, hoping it sinks in, lol. Thank you for giving me a boost hun! You are enough as well, and don’t be a stranger- we are in this together!
Shayla
Great post. Very helpful and reflective. I love your writing style and the content you’re making.
Suzanne
Awe! Thank you so much, you just made my day!
Kirstin
This was a really great read and an insight in to what parents feel like. I suffer with an invisible illness but because it’s taken over the majority of my life, I’ve had no time to think about how guilty my mum might feel! There were some great tips that I will pass on to her!
Kirstin
http://LetsGoSomewhereElse.co.uk
Suzanne
I’m so glad you read my posts and found it useful. I so appreciate your comment, although I am sorry you have an invisible illness. It is not easy and you are a warrior!
HauntedHistoryJaunts
This is a great post that hits very close to home for me. I am also chronically ill, diagnosed with fibro at one point, then chronic lyme disease. Truth is doesn’t matter what they call it for me, the symptoms are debilitating at times and being a mom has at times been very hard.
Suzanne
I always have conflicted feelings when someone relates to my posts. I’m writing them to help people feel less alone and hopefully some tips along the way. On the other hand, it hurts to know there are people going through it as well. I plan to make the parenting a series where I offer ideas on how to parent while being in a flare, etc. If you are interested in contributing or guest posting on this subject just send me an email. I would love to have your input!
Teresa
Great post! I don’t have any diseases but my daughter was born with a muscle disease in 1994. I tried to make her life as normal as possible. In doing so, I suffered a lot with fatigue. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Suzanne
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I know how hard it is to watch your child in pain. I commend you for working so hard to make her life “normal”. I have a special needs child that I haven’t written about yet, because he is a teenager I didn’t want to impose on his privacy, but I understand!
Carly Zel
This was a great read, thank you. I don’t suffer from a chronic illness but I do have a serious lack of energy and also struggle with depression and anxiety. The guilt is overwhelming at times. But we do the best we physically can and that is good enough xx
Suzanne
Thank you Carly. Depression and anxiety can be just as debilitating as a physical chronic condition. I have both and so understand. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
How to keep your goals
Doing what you can with what you have that is some of the lessons kids learn. As long as you are making an effort the vast majority of kids see that effort . Especially when they recognize how hard it is for you and say don’t worry about it. And you srazzle dazzle them with a you worth the effort.
Cause they know there are going to be times that you are laid up in bed with a bad back or some hard to describe nerve pain and you just can’t. That’s when it does get tough and that is the lesson you show your kids .
Suzanne
Thank you for you reading and commenting. Much appreciated!
Shewritesgood
I appreciate this post, especially the tips on how to assuage the guilt. I am pinning this for future reference, thank you!
Suzanne
Thank you. I’m glad you liked the post and I appreciate the pin.
Jessica
I know exactly how you feel, I have had this very same struggle. Thank you so much for addressing this guilt, and reminding us that nobody’s perfect, and we all try hard to do the best we can with our kids, no matter our struggles.
Suzanne
This is so true. I think the “mom guilt” is universal whether you are sick or not. It really is so hard to raise another person and all you can do is your best.