Have you ever been so far lost in the darkness of depression that you wonder if you will ever be able to get out? Well, that has been me for a while now. I’m not sure I am totally out yet, but I know I am currently clawing out from the darkness. So, it is time for some self-reflecting with A Chronic Voice’s monthly prompts.
In the last 6 months, I have started working full-time again after a 5-month medical leave due to a severe Fibromyalgia flare (among other illnesses). I started a blog, and a CBD business. Lastly, after a semester off, I started back to Penn State World Campus to finish my BA degree in psychology. That isn’t too much is it? (she says sarcastically)
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The Beginning of the Darkness
Needless to say, I have had some adjusting to do. I have been trying to adjust to working full-time and not having much luck with that. However, I am assured by ALL medical professionals that I can and should be working – so there is that. I am adjusting to going back to school by getting a C and D on my first tests. This doesn’t sound like adjusting to me, especially since I am an A student. Honestly though, it is my way of adjusting. You can’t adjust to something you are not willing to try, right? So really, I see this appearance of lack of adjusting as “adjusting.”
This leads me to the fact that I am hoping I can adjust to all these obstacles I have in front of me. Will I ever be me again? Or, should I give that up and figure out who the hell I am now, who I am going to be? Really friends, I am hoping that I can pull this off. For the last seven years, I have been dreaming of becoming a therapist. Not just dreaming but working towards making it happen. I am hoping that I can juggle all these activities I have committed to with zest! I know that doing so involves me clawing out from the darkness of depression.
Seeing the Light in the Darkness
At this point, you are probably saying to yourself or to the screen, “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Well, that is a good question! I am stubborn, determined, and push myself to perfection- that is why. I know I need to change this, but easier said than done my friend. So, I am going to work on surviving. No! I am going to survive! Surviving is actually a very important word for me this month. My depression has been real, overwhelming, scary and out of my control. Which has made me question my ability to survive. Honestly, my goal is to start thriving, not just surviving!
Thank goodness for social media! How often do you hear people say that? Let me explain. My depression coupled with my chronic pain, etc. makes interacting with me on a daily basis difficult to say the least. So, befriending strangers on social media has saved me. These people have saved me more times than they know. They do this with shout-outs, sharing my posts and reminding me of my good qualities. I am sure they don’t even realize how I couldn’t see these things in myself and I needed them to remind me. I am so grateful for my social media family, truly.
Getting Out of the Darkness of Depression
This last month has been like an awakening for me. I have faced my demons, and the darkness inside that I forgot was there. Yes, the darkness awakened, but so did the light. I used so much energy, but every single day I pulled myself from the darkness with positivity. Believe me, I was literally clawing out of the darkness, pulling myself into the light. Every. Single. Day. So, as you can imagine, I am exhausted.
If you or a loved one is suffering from depression, please know that you are not alone and there are resources, such as the Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255. If you need help figuring out how to help a loved one with depression click the link to my post.
Lastly, I want to thank Sheryl from A Chronic Voice for inspiring this post and providing the prompts: adjusting, hoping, surviving, befriending and awakening. If you have a chronic illness and would like to participate in this link up party, it isn’t too late. Please find the rules and guidelines at February Link Up Party.
I am so glad to see your positivity shining through in this post. You are an inspiration to many of your followers & I am so pleased to have been able to get to know you over the past few months. You have such inner strength & light, continue to let it shine out & you will achieve the goals you wish to! Much love Derbyshireduckie x
Well, this made tears fall. Thank you so much for your kind words, for constantly being there for me and for seeing the good. I truly appreciate you!
Thank you for such a raw insight into your deprrssion and challenges. You really are adjusting so well with all those areas you’re killing it! Take good self care til you write again xx
Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing so candidly about your depression, and how you’re coping with life, Suzanne. Even though all our struggles and circumstances are different, there’s so much we have in common too. I wish you all the best with your goals. As long as you keep going, you are actually doing a fantastic job. Life isn’t ‘C’ or ‘D’ after all….I think to get through yet another day with depression and, if any, suicidal thoughts, is always an ‘A’ in my book. xxx
Thank you so much Sheryl. You constantly provide me with motivation to keep going!
Suzanne, we feel so blessed to have gotten to know you over the past few weeks. As you know, we too have been “so far lost in the darkness of depression” that we wondered if we’d ever make it out. But we DID make it out, and you will too.
You described the process beautifully – “clawing out from the darkness.” That’s what it feels like – being in a dark hole, but frantically trying to climb out. Truly, it takes a FIGHTER to keep pushing forward. Even in the midst of darkness, we know there’s light. Keep pursuing the light. Keep fighting <3
Thank you so much for your continued support. I am so happy that our paths have crossed!
You are amazing! I’m the same exact way, I want to take advantage of all life has to offer while I’m here and able. I don’t think people necessarily know what it’s like to lose so much time due to chronic illness or chronic pain.
Just remember that GPA doesn’t matter, all you gotta do is pass! And you’ll be back to A’s in no time. Much love and light to you <3
Awe, thank you so much Maria. It really helps to have others encouragement. One more semester and I’ll finally have my BA! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Take Care,
Suzanne